There is light on the other side

by Monica Koshy

Yoga?....Nah…Yoga doesn’t work for me. I don’t feel it. Its just not me. I have tried it….. but thanks, No, don’t wanna do it.

Yes that was me. 

For years I believed that Yoga was too slow and boring for me. For someone whose been a Zumba instructor, liked sports, liked fast pace of life, I felt like yoga didn't do anything for me. And then, perimenopause hit me hard and my already prevalent depression became a hell-hole. I was on medication, doing therapy, talking to friends, family regularly, exercising, working, pursuing hobbies and everything else I could, but I couldn't figure out why I felt so alone. I felt like an imposter, in a body and mind which was not me, and that scared me. The thought of leaning into my mind and body made me spiral and resulted in intense crying bouts which made it even scarier. I didn’t know what to do and where to look. And I searched, researched, whats going on with my body and emotions, I read about a term called “Somatic yoga”. I was intrigued; more than intrigued I was desperate. I simply wanted to feel less overwhelmed. I was in the darkest deepest hole with hoping fading everyday. And then on a Sunday I called Amrutha Bindu Yoga because my neighbour told me they were good and their website said they do Somatics.

And what followed was a life changing, humbling, painful year of my life. Don’t get me wrong when I say “painful”, I am not talking about physical pain; but the relentless, soul crushing, emotional pain that I was facing. In that state, one cant fight it, distract it or avoid it. If one does, it comes back with double the strength and leaves one feeling helpless and hopeless. 

And in middle of this hell hole, I met Medha and started my 1-1 Somatic yoga classes. She held my space. Calmly, patiently, at time even funnily (though I must say, she is less funny than she thinks….just kidding). What followed, was me, somehow turning up for our sessions, crying crying crying. She would let me be. She would gently guide me back to my breathing. Calm me down and then tell me, without any judgement or smirk, “I got you”. For a person who was so close to losing hope, it was magic.  Then came sessions and sessions of me noticing my body, noticing what it makes me feel. Not running from it but being with it however scared or panicky I felt. The Shala became and is even today “My safe Space”.

One thing also started dawning on me that “Oh, there is not something wrong with me”. I started understanding that with what I have gone through, this happens and its normal, its ok. I do deserve a good life and I can build one. So since last one year that’s exactly what I have been doing, day by day, moment by moment, with one stabilizing presence of Medha. Making it right, when everything feels shitty. Teaching me how Yoga is practice of mind and asana is just another way of reaching myself faster. It is to get my conscious in sync with my body and start accepting myself the way I was. No judgement, no prerequisites, no shame.

I have called Medha on tough days, good days, crushing days. She has saved me so many times from my self. But today I can proudly say that I am much better, feeling good. Of course I have bad days but I have confidence that I am getting better at regulating myself and knowing myself better. So many learning on the practice of Yoga, what is the true meaning of Yoga, and how it helps us to discover who we are. In the world full of Yoga studiously doing asanas like clockwork and almost robotically, it dawned to me that my understanding of Yoga and what I felt about it was wrong always. Though I am not yet head over heels in love with Yoga, I just know when I do it, its always makes me felt better, bigger, stronger. It makes me a wee bit braver and that’s exactly what I need in that moment.

So if you are someone needing help, please reach out. Here are lovely bunches of people, holding ur space, nurturing you and being your cheer leader at every step. Try Somatic yoga if you run away from yourself, breathe, cry, scream, just let it go. No one’s judging you or trying to make you feel small. Not only do you end up finding your home in yourself, but also find another home with a family who give you nothing but pure love and acceptance. 

My heart has nothing but gratitude for Amrutha Bindu Yoga and especially Medha, the quirky, funny and REAL person who I know is my friend for life