Your Posture is your Story

By Shriya N Rao

As a teenage girl I learnt very quickly to apologise for the space I took up. I was always larger than my peers, and that meant a lot of shame.  Rounded shoulders when walking in public, stomach sucked in to appear thinner, neck bent to avoid accidental eyes. It’s no wonder I was chronically stressed; there was no space for my lungs to breathe. 

Hunched, cowered, I grew into a knot. 

I continued to shrink my physical form as much as the psychological distance I intended to keep between myself and others. After college I became a school teacher, and then went abroad for a masters and worked a corporate job. By all measures, I was accomplished. Commendable, aspirational achievements tacked on to my name. I took therapy and found my voice, I grew up, and into myself. I worked through my troubles and had a clear mind… but my body still held me in a knot.

Imagine what the experience of moving through the world is like when you deny yourself space. Imbalanced, unsettled, insecure. My brain had been trained out of the negative thought patterns, but I had done nothing to release my body from the grasp of anxiety. 

Yoga was the unexpected solution. In a last-ditch effort to create peace within myself, the practice helped me first create the space to hold it.

Tadasana. I experienced alignment for the first time. It was incredibly hard to maintain all the engagements and stand still. This body was built for movement, stillness required major training. But with the attention to correct alignment and good posture, a surge of confidence rushed through me. The longer I stayed, the clearer it became. I am capable.

Dandasana. Engaging my core for the first time, I felt weightless. Stable, but free. I couldn’t stay in the posture for long, forgetting to breathe and trying to “hold” it brought the weight crashing down. I am thankful for the soft mats we get to practice on. Muscle strength and flexibility still needs to be trained, but chasing that feeling has brought me back to the mat again and again. 

Shavasana. Building my awareness of my body, the way it takes up space, the way it moves through space, was unexpected. After all the engagements, the rest was welcome. But closing my eyes was not the blissful sleep for which I had hoped. Instead, I was met with a deep awareness of the sensations from my fingertips to my toes. Alive. Energised.

I allow myself room, more consistently, more regularly. Releasing stored habits, patterns, sensations and beliefs. I move through the world with much more ease. I am learning to engage my core, not just in asana, but in every movement, every position. I am able to remind myself with kindness to relax my shoulders and stand tall. To feel the sensations across the body. To use my lungs entirely. To take up space. 

The size of my body has not changed, but the weight has lifted.  ----- Shriya is a writer, artist and an ardent student of yoga (now a teacher too!). Behavioural economist by training, she has taken to somatic work as a way to enhance the experience of life and find joy!